The Joy Exchange
Exhibit A
Excuse me, I don't eat meat, sooo is there any way you can make that vegan?
Well, can't you just leave it off?
*5 minutes later*
Everything's good—it's just, I feel like there was nothing to it, you know what I mean?
Oh, okay, I understand.
Exhibit B
Could I just do the mixed berry waffle—no lemon creme fraiche, please... Oh, and can I get the berries on the side?
*5 minutes later*
It's okay, it's just—well, this is just really dry, to be honest.
No, I'm okay, thank you though.
Exhibit C
Can your bartender make a Lemondrop?
Okay, can I have one of those? Oh—Tito's! With Tito's! But no sugar. I don't eat sugar.
What do you mean, like simple syrup?
No, that's fine. Just no sugar on the rim.
Yes, inside is fine.
Can you fill in the blanks?
The ability to enjoy oneself is becoming rarer and rarer. The sacred exchange between host and patron (serve and be served) is disappearing.
As host, you represent all that is righteous and good. The product—the service, the food, the wine, whatever—must align with the patron’s beliefs. You must fulfill their expectations to a tee in order for enjoyment to be attained.
Order the chicken, the wine, the dessert, the thing. Enjoy the thing. Exchange payment. Simple, right?
Wrong.
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Restaurant personnel—at least, restaurant personnel at reputable (and therefore open) establishments—are interested in one thing only: exchange. Hospitality workers trade their time for one of two things: money or knowledge. Be it the generous tips of their patrons, their salary, or, in the most advanced dining establishments, enlightenment (i.e. staging), everyone working in a restaurant, bar or hotel is out for something.
However, these rewards are not automatically attained. You have to actually do something (preferably in a timely fashion) in order to get whatever imbursement is hiding in the wakes. It’s a fair bargain—if achievement is possible in the first place. The oft-unattainable thing waiters and their kin are after is customer satisfaction; Did you enjoy your stay? Y/N
Most customers mark Y, whether they did enjoy themselves or not. The bill at the end of the night suggests they do so. They bought something and they'd like to believe they got their money's worth. Maybe secretly they're thinking, Eh. I mean, the appetizer was good... but $14 good?
Immediately, sirens should go off in the customer's brain. You came to have a good time. The sticker price is irrelevant to the experience; the product/service is what it is. Appreciate it and enjoy it, instead of worrying how else you could’ve spent your $14. Judging a product based on paper currency is essentially you questioning your own ability to enjoy yourself. Instead, simply appreciate the thing, the experience for what it is. Regardless of how much it cost, it was something new! Something different, a breath of fresh air!
Another response to the Y/N survey is _______. Silence. Indifference. Meh. This is perhaps the most depressing of available responses. It's a bit less obvious than N, but in a way it’s more damning. It's saying you don't care. You're not interested in the experience. Maybe you were at the place because you were obligated to. Someone else arranged the date or the kids were hungry. I get it, man.
But just because in that moment you don’t have the same passion as someone else for something doesn't mean that you can't also enjoy yourself. I promise you, my friend, there's something there to enjoy! Be it a decent conversation, a good song, something delicious or some neat wall art (Who put that there? Why? Who made it, how much it cost?), focus on that thing. Just one thing, something new, something that makes you go Huh, or Wow. Something that stimulates. Save watching cable or playing golf or mindlessly scrolling through Facebook or whatever for later, when you are there. Because right now, you're not. You're here, and someone’s doing their best to take care of you.
A few will mark N. You know who they are. They will express themselves at some point during their stay, either briefly or tirelessly. True crimes against patrons in bars/restaurants (included but not limited to incidental maiming, stabbing, eye-gouging and maternal insults) rarely if ever occur. Answer this: What is the worst thing that a server or your host has ever done to you? Was it severe enough to warrant complaint? Were you dramatically harmed or offended? Or did you *Wait a little too long* for your food, *Not love* the chicken?
Let's assume you genuinely had a bad experience. The soup was cold and the busboy insulted your mother. You still have two options. A: Communicate your feelings to your kind host softly. Maybe compliment them on something you did enjoy while you’re at it (if you have the ability to do so). Or, there’s always option B: Lie! Omit that information! Even if you suffered throughout every moment of your 'terrible' experience of being pampered in exchange for paper—well, you can still just not tell anyone!
Most decisions made outside of these two are disastrous and will make you look like a total prick. So, Somewhat-Narcissistic-White-Dude, please keep this in mind next time you’re tempted to ‘impress’ your date by harassing your server.
Sometimes—as parodied in the intro—a patron will sabotage their own experience, be it in the name of health or virtue. Their answer to the Y/N poll becomes irrelevant. It’s comedic when this happens. But, when paired with heated responses to micro-errors in service, it becomes hilarious. This breed of diner is so severely unaware of their own disease—their inability to enjoy themselves—that it negatively impacts their lives. It is not the Lemon Mixed Berry Waffle's fault (No lemon crème fraîche, toppings o/s please) that it was dry. It is not the chef's or server's fault. It is the customer’s fault. Because they suck.
But they can’t see that. Instead, they find someone else to target. Someone to complain to, whoever’s the most obvious candidate—waiter, bartender, manager, etc. Even though it was their decision, whether based on health (No sugar, please) or virtue (Is this pastured-raised? You're not sure? OK, ummmm...) that set them up to have a bad experience, you must remember that ‘The customer is always right‘.
But they’re not.
It’s impossible to succeed at the exchange if what you have to offer is not good enough. The product will never be good enough for the non-flexible gentiles who are unable to enjoy things for what they are. My steak is tough. Yes, it's well-done. Like you ordered it.
Be flexible. That's all I ask. Of myself and others. Everything of sustenance, whether it's a .99 cent can of tuna packed in water or a $150 3-gram portion of foie gras*, has value. It’s hard to think that way. Myself and others have fallen into the devouring pit that is snobbery. Once you’ve had something the 'right' way, how can you go back? But there is no 'right' way. There are infinite ways to prepare a dish, a cocktail. There are infinite ways to serve and present it. A precisely cared for côte de boeuf is delicious. But so is steak n' eggs.
Infinite means, infinite results means infinite possibilities.
As a diner, guest, grocery shopper, or whatever, basically your only job is to be open-minded and accept one rule.
It sums up to ‘Let go’.
It’s harder than it sounds. Asides from what a patron orders, everything else is out of their control. They cannot preselect their style of service or control the kitchen’s behavior. Ultimately there is no way to fulfill their expectations—unless they are open-minded. Unless they can, at least temporarily, reject their own ego.
The one rule to proper dining:
Let go.
For the host, imbursement (usually monetary) is, as mentioned, the primary or initial motivator. They are at work, after all. But I'm speaking to the hosts as well. The job isn't all about collecting cash. Many hospitality workers have fallen into the same trap—seeing customers as blank faces. Or worse, eager wallets. Truly, a customer is more than just another member of the feedlot, a walking tip jar. It’s possible to enjoy yourself, even at 'work' **. It's a fun, unique, and enjoyable thing to be the host in the exchange (When things go right). You get to meet someone new, present them a new experience, and, ideally, they actually had a good time. Your actions brought someone else joy. It brings a reassuring feeling that yes, you can bring joy to someone's life.
And maybe you’re that much closer to paying rent.
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This all comes down to one person. You. Whether you're capable of enjoying yourself. This rule is not unique to dining or drinking outside of your home***. It applies to your daily life as well. For the friends and family and coworkers around you, the things and people that are often taken for granted. You can do yourself a favor and instantly improve your quality of life by simply reminding yourself that you enjoy someone else’s company. Call me a romantic, but things can bring joy too. The little machine that brews your coffee or tea in the morning is more than just a small appliance. It's a utensil for bringing joy (If that's what you call appeasing caffeine dependence).
No matter what you mark during your daily interactions (Y/N, or ____), know that ultimately the people who care for you also feed off your ability to enjoy yourself. You are their life force. Their joy fund, and, in some cases, their economic fund.
So, even if you didn't have the best time, tip generously.
*Cruelly force-feeding animals, as many would argue. See what I mean! Enjoy the thing
**Sidenote: Fuck this word. Life is work, so don't pretend it's so miserable. Or else life will be miserable, too.
***After all, not much of that is going on right now.
photo creds:
https://fineartamerica.com/featured/young-woman-drinking-cocktail-in-bar-caia-imagescience-photo-library.html
https://www.funnyordie.com/2018/7/25/17755238/brutal-montage-of-sad-jonah-hill-being-hurt-by-interviewers
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/718464946793419388/
https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/734008856209022976/DmQeNDEg_400x400.jpg
